A looong break with many changes

What's happened since September 2006. Well it's now December 2007 and I'm a home-owner with a girlfriend (still C) I share with, her little lad, hereafter known as J, who refers to me as his step-dad and a cute dog who shall be referred to as K. The only thing that hasn't changed is my job, and I'm still fed up with it. I have recently started applying through job agencies but I already feel that they are exactly the same in whatever industry you work in. They are all over you when you submit your CV to them, they give you a few false promises and who knows you might even get an interview if they find you a suitable position but should you not get the job or not be suitable for their first offer they drop you and go after the next piece of fresh meat that's landed in their inbox. I was called the other day by a well-meaning girl trying to tempt me with a position (oo-er) working in a place where I had the completely wrong qualifications. When I pointed this out to her she was understandably apologetic and assured me that they would find something else soon. Nevertheless, that was my one chance from that company and if I want to hear anything else I'll most likely have to call and chase them. To be quite honest, I can't be arsed!

I guess I'll move on when I'm supposed to. It's been a habit of mine for a quite a while, with a few exceptions in the past, to let life just happen to me instead of going out there to change things myself. Call me lazy if you want, and you're quite right too, but a part of me really feels that deep down whatever is supposed to happen to me will happen and there's little I can do about it.

The van broke down on the way home tonight which wasn't fun considering I'd volunteered to do a couple of late jobs so breaking down on the way home at 7pm on the other side of town in almost minus temperatures wasn't what I'd planned for the evening. C had called a hairdresser over to the house tonight and her, J and I were all supposed to be getting a trim. I'd forgotten about it completely when I was asked if I could work late. I knew it was highly unlikely that I'd be able to get back in time but really hoped that by some miracle I would. This was before I broke down of course. I was on the phone to C as I finished my last job and asked if the hairdresser had come and of course she'd been and gone. Damn! C could tell I was annoyed but I came across a little too annoyed and it caused an argument between us. I wasn't angry at her but the tone of my voice suggested that I was and I do tend to go all doom and gloom and throw the toys when things don't go my way. I abruptly ended the call and then at the top of the road my gearstick suddenly became uncoupled somehow, Karma perhaps, and I was forced to let the van trundle along at it's current speed and stop at the side of the road where it promptly stalled as I couldn't get out of gear. Called C back to let her know what had happened and obviously I'm more pissed off than before and we have another little tiswas where this time she completely loses patience with me and says 'Don't bother coming home then!'

Considering my behaviour I have to say that this comment was quite jusitifed and desered, even though she admitted later she would never mean it and it was a heat of the moment retort. My reply to it was 'Maybe I will' and the call was abruptly ended for the second time. I then proceeded to sink into one of my dark depressive states where I start to wonder if I would be better on my own, if C & J would be better off without me and would I just be better ending my life (yes, this is how my mind goes at this time....I know I need help!) to save everyone the hassle of having to deal with my unstable mood swings from day to day. Common sense tells me that this would be a stupid move because both C & J love me very much and I love them back. It also would devastate my family and I wouldn't want to put them through that etc etc blah blah. At the time I drop into my dark mood though this really is the way I feel. I go into deep self pity and care very little what anyone thinks or feels for me, even if they are trying to make me feel better I just put up a negative wall that is near-impossible to break through and generally feel like the world would be better off without me. Another suicide statistic. Maybe a small mention in the papers, soon forgotten about. Pathetic isn't it. I can feel the slap around the head coming already.

Anyway, while in this dark mood I sent a text to C saying 'Do you think we might've made a mistake?' and we both know I'm referring to the joint mortgage, buying the house together etc. No more than 10 seconds after I've sent the text my work phone rings, I don't answer. My personal phone rings, I don't answer. My work phone rings again, going to answer-phone twice before I answer the third time and C asks me if I really feel that way. I could hear the hurt in her voice and I just felt so guilty for saying the one thing she doesn't want to hear from me. I think one of the main things she never wants to hear from me is that I'm having doubts of any kind. She always tells me that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and J, and she's not a needy person at all, so when she says that I know she means it. Praise has always been difficult to me to accept though and I have a hard time believing it. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. When I got home everything had cooled down and we were back to the way we always are. All the cuddles, kisses and I love you's and I'm sorrys. I do think that one day I'm going to push her away one too many times though and I'll lose everything. Something needs to change.

Low self esteem pretty much controls me, from my work ability to my private and social life. I watched Dragon's Den on TV last night and the confidence of the people on that show utterly astounds me. How can anybody be that confident and have such strong presence? I only ask that because I'm pretty sure I could never be that way. The most confident I've ever been was when I used to do acting in my mid to late teens. That was fun but even now I don't feel I could go back into it. I've become very introverted in certain situations over the years and there's no real reason for it. I'm not that bad looking and on a good day I think I'm a nice person to know. I get on with the vast majority of people I visit in my job and am generally a friendly person, but I guess that's only because I have to be. I couldn't bring myself to go into someone's home and be rude to them just because I'm having a bad day, not if I didn't know them that is. The lowest I go in that situation is civility and from there it's only upwards towards friendly. I don't go downwards if I don't know the person. It's just not me. No, the downward spiral is reserved for the people I care about.....which is completely backward isn't it. Why hurt the ones you love and who love you? Because you know they'll forgive you? Because you know they won't call or write to your boss saying what an ignorant grumpy bastard you were and you might get a disciplnary or even sacked for gross misconduct towards a customer?

Even C has told me that the way I sometimes speak to my mother is awful. True my mum does fret about everything (I wonder where I get it from) but I have a zero tolerance thing going on when she often makes her little disapproving comments about certain things and 9 times out of 10 I just lose it and either slam the phone down or tell her to mind her own business. Is that any way to talk to your own mother? A few weeks ago I came across a young guy who idolised and protected his mother as if she were a goddess of some sort. Many people seem to be like this with their mothers. Why aren't I with mine? Do I in some way blame her for past mistakes, if indeed she made any, do I blame her for me being bullied throughout the majority of school (which is probably where all these personality defects stem from) or am I just an impatient, intolerant and disrespectful twat who doesn't appreciate that he has a mother and father who love him dearly and a girlfriend who is so grateful to have him and a step son who loves him like another dad. I think that could be it, but there's alot more in there. I won't bore you with that now though as I'll just depress myself and there's only so much self pity a person can read without wanting to knock out the author, that's if you've gotten this far without browsing for something a little more cheerful.