Have I made a mistake?

What should I do here?

I got married almost 2 years ago to a woman that I loved. She has a son that I get along with and care about and who loves me.........but I think they both love me more than I love them. I don't know what to do for the best here.

I made a mistake a year ago when started an affair with someone I met through work. I should never have done it, I don't know why I did it but I enjoyed it while it was happening and I didn't do anything to stop it. I slept with her twice and I've had feelings of guilt since the event but I don't know what to do. I think there's something wrong with me as if I found myself in that position again I'd most likely not stop myself.

If my wife knew about it I'd obviously be out the door and homeless, leaving her to pick up the pieces of our failed marriage with a heartbroken, angry and confused 12 yr old wondering why his stepdad could ever do that to his mum. It's a right old mess.

We have a lovely house with lots of nice things and without me she stands to lose it all as the lifestyle we lead can only be sustained by a joint wage.

We have awful neighbours on one side who would like nothing more than to see our life crash around us (as we wish the same on them and worse) so if I left the humiliation would be unbearable for all involved.

I really have fucked it all up completely and altho as it stands I'm unlikely to get found out as it's all over now, I'm still waiting for that day when she'll talk to someone I don't expect and she'll discover the lies and secrets. I never used to keep anything from her but it's all changed now.

I'm addicted to a computer game that I play constantly and she feels neglected but we never go out anywhere, even when i ask her she says she'd rather stay in and chill. Then she moans that we never do anything.

I feel trapped and stagnant. Before I met her I liked to do active things but she won't do anything like that and has put on loads of weight since then so that I don't even fancy her anymore.

I don't know what to do or what the solution is.

The usual

Back to the normal working week. Work is crap and I've not managed to get my units in once so far. Not sure what's happening about the sick pay fiasco so I'm still waiting to hear something back. I've a feeling that the Union are going to do a complete u-turn and say 'Sorry, nothing we can do. You're going down a pay-band!' which would be fairly typical. No news on the new job front but it's just after New Year so there's not likely to be anything out there worth having. Honestly not sure what I should do about it but when am I ever sure about anything?

Back to it

Yup it's back to work today and I really feel like I've run a chuffing marathon. My neck and back is aching like a twat and I just nearly threw up through coughing while sat here. The bathroom finally got sorted last night although I need to do a bit of sealing around a few joints here and there. One or two leaks have appeared and I wasn't happy about it at all. C says she's really happy with the bathroom and reckons I've done a great job, bless her, but if everything doesn't go right first time I always feel a bit of a failure. Any excuse to feel sorry for myself I guess.

Work have only given me 6 jobs this morning which is a bit piss poor so I'm going to have to call in and get some more before they all go. Speaking of which I'd best get going. Later.

No rest...

Well it's been a medium Christmas I'd say. Nothing major to report although C has been ill with a nasty chest cold since Boxing Day and it's been made worse by her 'monthly visit' or her fairies as she likes to call them. I still think that's kinda cute that she calls it that. Her mood swings are quite the opposite during that fateful week though. Hehe! It's not a good time for her to be on her fairies right now as we have no bathroom. The day after Boxing Day we started a bathroom refurb and it's been one of those jobs that you wish you'd never started. Removing the old suite was easy enough but sorting out the new pipework and getting everything ready for the new suite to go in has been a proper twat. I'll admit that most of this has been down to me not being as experienced and professional as I'd like to be and having the crappest short term memory in the world. The amount of times I've had to go back to B&Q or Wickes just for the one thing that had slipped my sieve-like mind has just wound me up completely. I went out to B&Q earlier for some plasterboard to cover up the pipework I'd finally got finished, plus a few extra pipe fittings, and when I got back I realised I'd forgotten the solvent cement for the toilet overflow pipe. Can't cover the overflow until it's sealed so it's over to Wickes (it's closer) for the necessary glue pot. Then I get back and look in the shed for the plasterboard nails I used when we did the bathroom in our last house and I can't find them anywhere!!! Back to Wickes again with lots of wheel-spinning and swearing in the car on the way. Now (I fucking hope) we're ready for our plasterer pal to come over tomorrow and sort the wall out so we can paint and put the new suite in. Luckily we have an outside toilet here so we're not completely up shit creek in that department although neither J or C will use it because it's either cold or scary depending on who you're talking to. Pfft! Granted it was a little cob-webby until I got in there with a broom earlier and cleared them out so hopefully at least J won't have any excuses. Being a 9 yr old boy he isn't the world cleanest person and going in the bath is a real chore for him so you can imagine he's happy enough not to be able to wash for a few days. Scruffy little bugger! As soon as the bath is in (hopefully Tuesday) both he and C will be straight in there although I'd advise a change of water inbetween!

As if the bathroom palava wasn't enough C has ordered the new cooker for the kitchen and as it's a range cooker replacing a fitted gas hob then all the kitchen work surfaces and cupboards will have to be ripped out and shuffled about and a new worktop fitted in. Joy! I'll be honest I don't really mind the idea of it but it's just doing it that'sa complete pain in the arse. The things we do to keep our better halves happy. I can't moan though really, C does alot for me and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be a joint home-owner now with a lovely 18th century house in the park. :)

The next few months are going to be interesting financially though. Starting 2008 we're going to distribute the cash C got from the house sale and pay off loans that we both have in order to reduce our outgoings so we can pay the mortgage each month. The money she's got has taken a slight battering over the last 2 months due to Christmas, new bathroom, new kitchen etc but next month is sort-out month so we'll see how things go.

My work problem is still ongoing as far as I know so I really have to get onto them tomorrow (I'm not back at work til the 2nd) and make sure that I'm NOT going down a pay band. I looked through the weekly summary sheets for the last 2 months and I noticed that they didn't pay me for 7 services in November. Dozy twats. The union guys have assured me that the quibble over my 3 days unpaid sick leave will not affect my pay band as it's not my fault etc etc so all I have to do is make sure that I'm not down on my units other than the 21 I'm missing from the sick leave. With a bit of luck the 4.9 units I'm missing from the jobs I wasn't paid for will cover any other deficit. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

Bah Humbug!

Well that got your attention......or not since nobody reads this but me. :) Christmas morning and I'm out of bed early. Not because I'm full of child-like excitement of what is in store for me and everyone else in the presents under the tree. No. It's because I have pulled a muscle in my neck AGAIN and can't sleep. It's like a constant neck cramp and no position I try to sleep in will give me any comfort so I had to get up at 7.30am. Bugger! I've took some Ibuprofen so hopefully the pain I'm feeling now is nothing to what I would be feeling should I not have taken them. J came into our room this morning at around 5ish. I figured it'd be cos he couldn't sleep being so excited and wanted to go open presents (which is how I was at his age) but it turned out he'd had a bad dream and wanted his mum to sleep in his bed for with him for a bit. Bless him. He does that every once in a while but he's only 9 so we've probably got another couple of years of this. He does like to play the big cool dude alot but he's really just a kid. Aww.

We're off out for Christmas dinner today. It was arranged a couple of months ago and the way I'm feeling now I'm really not up for it at all but I guess we can't get out of it now. We've already paid etc. I just hope C's sister and bro in law don't just sit there with miserable faces like always. It really winds C up when they're like that. Hopefully they won't as it's Christmas but you never know I guess. I'm not sure if C's other sister with be there. If she is then she'll be bringing her twat other half and that'll be interesting if he gets completely off his tits again. C's niece had a graduation party about a month ago and this guy was there completely pissed and running his mouth off. The highlight (or lowpoint whichever you prefer....I know which I prefer) of the evening was when he said to his step daughter, C's other niece, "I've heard you take it up the arse". Her other niece is 23 just to clarify that he wasn't being a paedo but how disgusting is that to say to your step-daughter in front of all her family AND her boyfriend.

Will have to cut it there.....I've got company. This is the problem with writing in secret. Hmph!

Will this week never end?

Bored and fed up. That's me tonight. Work was a bit of a pisser today with my last job being an absolute arse. I had to replace a pump on an old lady's central heating and the valves had seized up so had to drain down the whole system. This also included taking a radiator off the wall since the drain valves on the system were also seized up. Not impressed. What should've been a 20 minute job turned into an hour and a half. Bastard!

To make it worse on the way home C called me asking if I could drop her at one of the local shopping centres. Thanks babe, not even got home and she's asking me to go out again. Needless to say I wasn't in the mood for anything but luckily she had arranged with J's dad to get a lift since he was dropping him home anyway. Both J and C went out shopping so I now have a couple of hours peace.

I'm just sat here a bit bored just killing time on the pc. What CAN I do eh? Try and unwind a bit before the weekend when I've got to try and squeeze all my Christmas shopping into the space of two days? No fun! I hate Christmas shopping, especially when I've no idea what to get anyone. To be fair to C she has been an absolute diamond and has done most of the shopping already over the last few weeks while I've been working. Bless her. I really wish I had the impetus to get off my arse and do some of the shopping when I'm free one weekend but I really can't be arsed with it. I really enjoy my weekends and I'd rather not waste them by running around town all day trying to the find the perfect present for so-n-so again. Selfish but I guess I'm just not a fan of Christmas. Bah humbug etc!

Should I just bury it?

Well, the word from the HR manager is that I do need a doctor's note so I'm going to have to go to the docs one day this week and plead for a note so that I can get paid. Shocking predicament to be in but the company won't budge so if I don't want to go down a pay-band and lose £200 a month for the next 2 months it's got to be done. :(

Right, onto another matter that's bothering me a little lately. My sex life with C is pretty normal. As far as I can gather she's had a fairly standard history and so have I with one exception. Since my teens I've had fantasies about being with other guys and these fantasies come and go from year to year, sometimes month to month. C doesn't know about this, and if she does she's never mentioned it to me. When I was 27 I had my first and only experience with a guy and I really enjoyed it. Then shortly afterwards I lost interest and didn't get the feeling back again for another 2-3 years. I then got involved in the bi-gay scene for a short time in order to experiment a little should the opportunity arise. Something nearly happened with one guy but it was either self conciousness or something else that stopped me from doing anything with him. From that moment on I assumed that I wasn't actually bisexual as I'd concluded after my first experience and the feelings then died away again. It was a short time after this that I met C and we've now been happy together for almost 2 years. We have a nice house in a joint mortgage, cute dog (K) and a cute kid (J) and life is good albeit for the occasional work worry from both of us. Normal every day stuff really. My bi side is trying to fight it's way back into my life though and I keep getting urges to watch bi porn online which of course I can only do when I'm in the house alone like now. I have a feeling that this would either freak C out or just disgust her and whether she wanted to try and accept it as part of me or not it'd be the beginning of the end for our relationship. I couldn't cheat on her anyway and if I did I'd be completely stupid to throw away the life that we have just because of some erotic urges. The question is do I just bury my feelings and stop looking at the MMF (Male, Male, Female) porn online (which is difficult because it really turns me on), forbidding myself to think about it or watch it? It won't be easy but if I don't I'm worried that it'll just overtake me and I'll slip up somehow in the future. What should I do?