No rest...

Well it's been a medium Christmas I'd say. Nothing major to report although C has been ill with a nasty chest cold since Boxing Day and it's been made worse by her 'monthly visit' or her fairies as she likes to call them. I still think that's kinda cute that she calls it that. Her mood swings are quite the opposite during that fateful week though. Hehe! It's not a good time for her to be on her fairies right now as we have no bathroom. The day after Boxing Day we started a bathroom refurb and it's been one of those jobs that you wish you'd never started. Removing the old suite was easy enough but sorting out the new pipework and getting everything ready for the new suite to go in has been a proper twat. I'll admit that most of this has been down to me not being as experienced and professional as I'd like to be and having the crappest short term memory in the world. The amount of times I've had to go back to B&Q or Wickes just for the one thing that had slipped my sieve-like mind has just wound me up completely. I went out to B&Q earlier for some plasterboard to cover up the pipework I'd finally got finished, plus a few extra pipe fittings, and when I got back I realised I'd forgotten the solvent cement for the toilet overflow pipe. Can't cover the overflow until it's sealed so it's over to Wickes (it's closer) for the necessary glue pot. Then I get back and look in the shed for the plasterboard nails I used when we did the bathroom in our last house and I can't find them anywhere!!! Back to Wickes again with lots of wheel-spinning and swearing in the car on the way. Now (I fucking hope) we're ready for our plasterer pal to come over tomorrow and sort the wall out so we can paint and put the new suite in. Luckily we have an outside toilet here so we're not completely up shit creek in that department although neither J or C will use it because it's either cold or scary depending on who you're talking to. Pfft! Granted it was a little cob-webby until I got in there with a broom earlier and cleared them out so hopefully at least J won't have any excuses. Being a 9 yr old boy he isn't the world cleanest person and going in the bath is a real chore for him so you can imagine he's happy enough not to be able to wash for a few days. Scruffy little bugger! As soon as the bath is in (hopefully Tuesday) both he and C will be straight in there although I'd advise a change of water inbetween!

As if the bathroom palava wasn't enough C has ordered the new cooker for the kitchen and as it's a range cooker replacing a fitted gas hob then all the kitchen work surfaces and cupboards will have to be ripped out and shuffled about and a new worktop fitted in. Joy! I'll be honest I don't really mind the idea of it but it's just doing it that'sa complete pain in the arse. The things we do to keep our better halves happy. I can't moan though really, C does alot for me and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be a joint home-owner now with a lovely 18th century house in the park. :)

The next few months are going to be interesting financially though. Starting 2008 we're going to distribute the cash C got from the house sale and pay off loans that we both have in order to reduce our outgoings so we can pay the mortgage each month. The money she's got has taken a slight battering over the last 2 months due to Christmas, new bathroom, new kitchen etc but next month is sort-out month so we'll see how things go.

My work problem is still ongoing as far as I know so I really have to get onto them tomorrow (I'm not back at work til the 2nd) and make sure that I'm NOT going down a pay band. I looked through the weekly summary sheets for the last 2 months and I noticed that they didn't pay me for 7 services in November. Dozy twats. The union guys have assured me that the quibble over my 3 days unpaid sick leave will not affect my pay band as it's not my fault etc etc so all I have to do is make sure that I'm not down on my units other than the 21 I'm missing from the sick leave. With a bit of luck the 4.9 units I'm missing from the jobs I wasn't paid for will cover any other deficit. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

Bah Humbug!

Well that got your attention......or not since nobody reads this but me. :) Christmas morning and I'm out of bed early. Not because I'm full of child-like excitement of what is in store for me and everyone else in the presents under the tree. No. It's because I have pulled a muscle in my neck AGAIN and can't sleep. It's like a constant neck cramp and no position I try to sleep in will give me any comfort so I had to get up at 7.30am. Bugger! I've took some Ibuprofen so hopefully the pain I'm feeling now is nothing to what I would be feeling should I not have taken them. J came into our room this morning at around 5ish. I figured it'd be cos he couldn't sleep being so excited and wanted to go open presents (which is how I was at his age) but it turned out he'd had a bad dream and wanted his mum to sleep in his bed for with him for a bit. Bless him. He does that every once in a while but he's only 9 so we've probably got another couple of years of this. He does like to play the big cool dude alot but he's really just a kid. Aww.

We're off out for Christmas dinner today. It was arranged a couple of months ago and the way I'm feeling now I'm really not up for it at all but I guess we can't get out of it now. We've already paid etc. I just hope C's sister and bro in law don't just sit there with miserable faces like always. It really winds C up when they're like that. Hopefully they won't as it's Christmas but you never know I guess. I'm not sure if C's other sister with be there. If she is then she'll be bringing her twat other half and that'll be interesting if he gets completely off his tits again. C's niece had a graduation party about a month ago and this guy was there completely pissed and running his mouth off. The highlight (or lowpoint whichever you prefer....I know which I prefer) of the evening was when he said to his step daughter, C's other niece, "I've heard you take it up the arse". Her other niece is 23 just to clarify that he wasn't being a paedo but how disgusting is that to say to your step-daughter in front of all her family AND her boyfriend.

Will have to cut it there.....I've got company. This is the problem with writing in secret. Hmph!

Will this week never end?

Bored and fed up. That's me tonight. Work was a bit of a pisser today with my last job being an absolute arse. I had to replace a pump on an old lady's central heating and the valves had seized up so had to drain down the whole system. This also included taking a radiator off the wall since the drain valves on the system were also seized up. Not impressed. What should've been a 20 minute job turned into an hour and a half. Bastard!

To make it worse on the way home C called me asking if I could drop her at one of the local shopping centres. Thanks babe, not even got home and she's asking me to go out again. Needless to say I wasn't in the mood for anything but luckily she had arranged with J's dad to get a lift since he was dropping him home anyway. Both J and C went out shopping so I now have a couple of hours peace.

I'm just sat here a bit bored just killing time on the pc. What CAN I do eh? Try and unwind a bit before the weekend when I've got to try and squeeze all my Christmas shopping into the space of two days? No fun! I hate Christmas shopping, especially when I've no idea what to get anyone. To be fair to C she has been an absolute diamond and has done most of the shopping already over the last few weeks while I've been working. Bless her. I really wish I had the impetus to get off my arse and do some of the shopping when I'm free one weekend but I really can't be arsed with it. I really enjoy my weekends and I'd rather not waste them by running around town all day trying to the find the perfect present for so-n-so again. Selfish but I guess I'm just not a fan of Christmas. Bah humbug etc!

Should I just bury it?

Well, the word from the HR manager is that I do need a doctor's note so I'm going to have to go to the docs one day this week and plead for a note so that I can get paid. Shocking predicament to be in but the company won't budge so if I don't want to go down a pay-band and lose £200 a month for the next 2 months it's got to be done. :(

Right, onto another matter that's bothering me a little lately. My sex life with C is pretty normal. As far as I can gather she's had a fairly standard history and so have I with one exception. Since my teens I've had fantasies about being with other guys and these fantasies come and go from year to year, sometimes month to month. C doesn't know about this, and if she does she's never mentioned it to me. When I was 27 I had my first and only experience with a guy and I really enjoyed it. Then shortly afterwards I lost interest and didn't get the feeling back again for another 2-3 years. I then got involved in the bi-gay scene for a short time in order to experiment a little should the opportunity arise. Something nearly happened with one guy but it was either self conciousness or something else that stopped me from doing anything with him. From that moment on I assumed that I wasn't actually bisexual as I'd concluded after my first experience and the feelings then died away again. It was a short time after this that I met C and we've now been happy together for almost 2 years. We have a nice house in a joint mortgage, cute dog (K) and a cute kid (J) and life is good albeit for the occasional work worry from both of us. Normal every day stuff really. My bi side is trying to fight it's way back into my life though and I keep getting urges to watch bi porn online which of course I can only do when I'm in the house alone like now. I have a feeling that this would either freak C out or just disgust her and whether she wanted to try and accept it as part of me or not it'd be the beginning of the end for our relationship. I couldn't cheat on her anyway and if I did I'd be completely stupid to throw away the life that we have just because of some erotic urges. The question is do I just bury my feelings and stop looking at the MMF (Male, Male, Female) porn online (which is difficult because it really turns me on), forbidding myself to think about it or watch it? It won't be easy but if I don't I'm worried that it'll just overtake me and I'll slip up somehow in the future. What should I do?

Quiet Sunday, prepare for Monday!

Easy weekend I guess. Nice night in yesterday although some of the lads online were having a games reunion and I missed it. I was originally going to be there in person but our main organiser decided that with it being this close to Christmas it'd just be easier for us all to meet online and play on the public servers like we usually do. It's Counter Strike:Source for anyone who's interested. The lads had a good time I had a bit of a natter with Aid this afternoon who I've hardly spoken to for a couple of years due to this and that so not a total loss.

The rest of this weekend has been spent putting up J's staircase so he can get up to the balcony in his room and use his PC. I set up my old microphone so we can talk to each other while we're sat in our seperate places. Once I've got his pc a little more upgraded it'll be better for him. In it's current state it's only really good enough to handle basic games and internet stuff. No good for the kind of games I usually play online but hopefully that'll change soon. :)

I'm not looking forward to this week as I've got a battle on my hands with work and my bonus total. I had 3 days off work the week before last due to a chest infection (bad cough really but you always beef it up don't ya) but when I got my bonus summary on Friday it showed that I was 3 days pay down which meant I hadn't been paid for my time off sick. Naturally annoyed at this I called Wages and they said I had to get a doctors note to back up my claim and then I'd be paid. I called the doctor and was told that by law my company has to accept a Self Certification notice as it covers the first 7 days off sick. I called back into work to let them know this and they then tell me that even though the doctor IS right, the new company policy states that they won't accept Self Cert forms if you've already exceeded your 5 days sick leave (as I have) in the financial year. Pisser! Doc is refusing to write a note as that's what the Self Cert is there for, and work is refusing to accept anything but a doc's note. So just because they can't agree I lose out on 3 days pay which puts my quarterly total in minus figures and I go down a pay-band in January, losing out on £200 a month. SHITE! I was only just in minus figures before this and was on the way to putting myself back in a decent position before the end of the quarter. Now thanks to the company policy I'm completely fucked unless of course I can try and convince the doctor to write a note, or convince the muppets at HR that their new policy is, in this case, flawed. Wish me bloody luck!

Freezing...

Yup it is, bloody perishing out there. I've had to de-ice the windscreen pretty much every day this week and they're saying we've got this freeze for at least another 10 days. WIsh it'd just snow and have done with it.

Can't stop long as I'm off to work as soon as I've found out where I'm going today but just thought I'd type a few lines in while I'm still waking up. Oh for f*ck's sake, the PDA has just logged on and they've given me a job between 4-6 on a Friday!!! That's just charming. No early finish for me then today then. :-( I guess they're entitled to do it as it's within working hours but it still hacks me off. I just hope most of my other appointments are in cos I don't want to be knocking on doors of empty houses all day, not getting anything done and then have to wait around a few hours til 4pm. This week has been surprisingly good considering the last few weeks and I've managed to go above my daily quota every day. Let's hope I can manage it today as well eh.

Ah well, best get to it. It's 7.30 now and I need to get into the yard to pick up a part before I go out today.

A looong break with many changes

What's happened since September 2006. Well it's now December 2007 and I'm a home-owner with a girlfriend (still C) I share with, her little lad, hereafter known as J, who refers to me as his step-dad and a cute dog who shall be referred to as K. The only thing that hasn't changed is my job, and I'm still fed up with it. I have recently started applying through job agencies but I already feel that they are exactly the same in whatever industry you work in. They are all over you when you submit your CV to them, they give you a few false promises and who knows you might even get an interview if they find you a suitable position but should you not get the job or not be suitable for their first offer they drop you and go after the next piece of fresh meat that's landed in their inbox. I was called the other day by a well-meaning girl trying to tempt me with a position (oo-er) working in a place where I had the completely wrong qualifications. When I pointed this out to her she was understandably apologetic and assured me that they would find something else soon. Nevertheless, that was my one chance from that company and if I want to hear anything else I'll most likely have to call and chase them. To be quite honest, I can't be arsed!

I guess I'll move on when I'm supposed to. It's been a habit of mine for a quite a while, with a few exceptions in the past, to let life just happen to me instead of going out there to change things myself. Call me lazy if you want, and you're quite right too, but a part of me really feels that deep down whatever is supposed to happen to me will happen and there's little I can do about it.

The van broke down on the way home tonight which wasn't fun considering I'd volunteered to do a couple of late jobs so breaking down on the way home at 7pm on the other side of town in almost minus temperatures wasn't what I'd planned for the evening. C had called a hairdresser over to the house tonight and her, J and I were all supposed to be getting a trim. I'd forgotten about it completely when I was asked if I could work late. I knew it was highly unlikely that I'd be able to get back in time but really hoped that by some miracle I would. This was before I broke down of course. I was on the phone to C as I finished my last job and asked if the hairdresser had come and of course she'd been and gone. Damn! C could tell I was annoyed but I came across a little too annoyed and it caused an argument between us. I wasn't angry at her but the tone of my voice suggested that I was and I do tend to go all doom and gloom and throw the toys when things don't go my way. I abruptly ended the call and then at the top of the road my gearstick suddenly became uncoupled somehow, Karma perhaps, and I was forced to let the van trundle along at it's current speed and stop at the side of the road where it promptly stalled as I couldn't get out of gear. Called C back to let her know what had happened and obviously I'm more pissed off than before and we have another little tiswas where this time she completely loses patience with me and says 'Don't bother coming home then!'

Considering my behaviour I have to say that this comment was quite jusitifed and desered, even though she admitted later she would never mean it and it was a heat of the moment retort. My reply to it was 'Maybe I will' and the call was abruptly ended for the second time. I then proceeded to sink into one of my dark depressive states where I start to wonder if I would be better on my own, if C & J would be better off without me and would I just be better ending my life (yes, this is how my mind goes at this time....I know I need help!) to save everyone the hassle of having to deal with my unstable mood swings from day to day. Common sense tells me that this would be a stupid move because both C & J love me very much and I love them back. It also would devastate my family and I wouldn't want to put them through that etc etc blah blah. At the time I drop into my dark mood though this really is the way I feel. I go into deep self pity and care very little what anyone thinks or feels for me, even if they are trying to make me feel better I just put up a negative wall that is near-impossible to break through and generally feel like the world would be better off without me. Another suicide statistic. Maybe a small mention in the papers, soon forgotten about. Pathetic isn't it. I can feel the slap around the head coming already.

Anyway, while in this dark mood I sent a text to C saying 'Do you think we might've made a mistake?' and we both know I'm referring to the joint mortgage, buying the house together etc. No more than 10 seconds after I've sent the text my work phone rings, I don't answer. My personal phone rings, I don't answer. My work phone rings again, going to answer-phone twice before I answer the third time and C asks me if I really feel that way. I could hear the hurt in her voice and I just felt so guilty for saying the one thing she doesn't want to hear from me. I think one of the main things she never wants to hear from me is that I'm having doubts of any kind. She always tells me that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and J, and she's not a needy person at all, so when she says that I know she means it. Praise has always been difficult to me to accept though and I have a hard time believing it. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. When I got home everything had cooled down and we were back to the way we always are. All the cuddles, kisses and I love you's and I'm sorrys. I do think that one day I'm going to push her away one too many times though and I'll lose everything. Something needs to change.

Low self esteem pretty much controls me, from my work ability to my private and social life. I watched Dragon's Den on TV last night and the confidence of the people on that show utterly astounds me. How can anybody be that confident and have such strong presence? I only ask that because I'm pretty sure I could never be that way. The most confident I've ever been was when I used to do acting in my mid to late teens. That was fun but even now I don't feel I could go back into it. I've become very introverted in certain situations over the years and there's no real reason for it. I'm not that bad looking and on a good day I think I'm a nice person to know. I get on with the vast majority of people I visit in my job and am generally a friendly person, but I guess that's only because I have to be. I couldn't bring myself to go into someone's home and be rude to them just because I'm having a bad day, not if I didn't know them that is. The lowest I go in that situation is civility and from there it's only upwards towards friendly. I don't go downwards if I don't know the person. It's just not me. No, the downward spiral is reserved for the people I care about.....which is completely backward isn't it. Why hurt the ones you love and who love you? Because you know they'll forgive you? Because you know they won't call or write to your boss saying what an ignorant grumpy bastard you were and you might get a disciplnary or even sacked for gross misconduct towards a customer?

Even C has told me that the way I sometimes speak to my mother is awful. True my mum does fret about everything (I wonder where I get it from) but I have a zero tolerance thing going on when she often makes her little disapproving comments about certain things and 9 times out of 10 I just lose it and either slam the phone down or tell her to mind her own business. Is that any way to talk to your own mother? A few weeks ago I came across a young guy who idolised and protected his mother as if she were a goddess of some sort. Many people seem to be like this with their mothers. Why aren't I with mine? Do I in some way blame her for past mistakes, if indeed she made any, do I blame her for me being bullied throughout the majority of school (which is probably where all these personality defects stem from) or am I just an impatient, intolerant and disrespectful twat who doesn't appreciate that he has a mother and father who love him dearly and a girlfriend who is so grateful to have him and a step son who loves him like another dad. I think that could be it, but there's alot more in there. I won't bore you with that now though as I'll just depress myself and there's only so much self pity a person can read without wanting to knock out the author, that's if you've gotten this far without browsing for something a little more cheerful.